You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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