Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
