Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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