If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
