I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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