im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
