Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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