He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
