why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
This couple is walking their pig around campus
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
