Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
