i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
