Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize