sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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