is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
