meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
