i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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