YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
