Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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