At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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