how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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