I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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