Cold hands, warm shart.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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