I heard we made out
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Randomize
