just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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