once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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