dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
