I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
