Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize