Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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