I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
