I accidentally had phone sex last night
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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