I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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