Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
