you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
