i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
