she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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