how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
