hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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