Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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