I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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