there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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