found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
