I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
