The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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