I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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