Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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