Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
