she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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