i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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