I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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