I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
