"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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