Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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