Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize