I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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