My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
