8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I got her a Nickelback box set.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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