Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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